[Writingworkshop] Lift Filling Anomalies for Nerds

Tue Sep 9 10:53:45 EDT 2008

yeah, I think you will......... fuck yeah.

On 9/8/08, Adam Holland <adam.holland at gmail.com> wrote:
> Oh, I was just reading cycling-related articles and whatnot, and he was on
> the comment threads ranting about how stupid bikes and their riders were.
> It's like he sees them as an affront to civilization.
>
> some other commenter recognized him, as in
> "Is the Rob A at #5 the same Rob Anderson who..."
>
>
> Nothing really good, unfortunately.
>
> will we see you Wednesdays, Dan?
>
>
> "We have now sunk to a depth where the restatement of the obvious is the
> first duty of intelligent men."
>
>
>
> On Mon, Sep 8, 2008 at 7:42 PM, Daniel Peters <danieltpeters at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> > this actually made my day.  I've been biking everywhere these days and
> > its been culture shock in the extreme.  It's like I joined the
> > revolution just by shedding two tires and a combustion engine....."
> > Look, look at him over there....he's one of THOSE" (obligatory finger
> > wagging).  That article on Rob Anderson made me my blood boil Adam.  I
> > never asked, you said you "ran into him" on the
> > internet......please.....continue good sir, the story
> needs
> > telling.......
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On 9/7/08, Adam Holland <adam.holland at gmail.com> wrote:
> > > nice
> > > I had  a bike in the lift experience this week.  I should have been
> > > assertive, as you suggest
> > > People kept cutting in front of me to get on the next elevator.
> > >  "What makes us rich as a society is what we know and what we can do.
> > > Anything that stands in the way of the dissemination of knowledge is a
> real
> > > problem."
> > >
> > >
> > > On Sun, Sep 7, 2008 at 9:40 PM, Neale Morison
> > > <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com> wrote:
> > >
> > > > Lift Filling for Nerds
> > > >
> > > >  I love my job because the lifts work. The building dates from the
> 70s,
> > > > a time when it was believed that the appearance of ferro-concrete
> could
> > > > be improved by detailed attention to its texture, perhaps by embedding
> > > > tiny pebbles in it. The other occupants are Energy Australia and the
> > > > AEC, which at first I thought was the Atomic Energy Commission. On the
> > > > first day I tried a pleasantry when manoeuvering my bike into the
> lift:
> > > > "Make way for clean energy". Very blank looks. It turns out it's the
> > > > Australian Electoral Commission.
> > > >
> > > > There are 7 lifts in this building, which has only 20 floors, maybe
> less
> > > > than 2000 people altogether. The lifts go fast and they work. They
> claim
> > > > they can take 23 people each. You could empty the building in twenty
> > > > minutes. The only obvious logical error is that when they respond to
> > > > your call but have come from the other direction to the one you're
> > > > going, they know they have responded so the call button goes off, but
> > > > they don't know they're supposed to wait for you to get in and then go
> > > > back the other way. The doors close. You press the button again. The
> > > > doors open. It's an easy workaround. They built beautiful lift
> hardware
> > > > in the 70s, but their software was primitive. Schindler. Was the movie
> > > > Schindler's List a pun on Schindler Lifts? Best lift scene: Die Hard
> 3,
> > > > in the Federal Reserve Bank. Best lift ride: The Ski Jump lift in
> > > > Innsbruck, Australia. This is one of the things I consider as I ride
> up
> > > > and down, but mostly I take the opportunity to observe lift-filling
> > > > algorithms in practice and to test my theories regarding lift-filling
> > > > anomalies.
> > > >
> > > >  The basic principle, as we all know, is that personal space is at a
> > > > premium in a lift ... is everybody with me? Obviously I mean
> elevators,
> > > > not the things short people put in their shoes like Dustin Hoffman in
> > > > Tootsie - "I can be shorter!" ... so people fill the lift
> progressively
> > > > to  maximise personal space and minimise the appearance of threat to
> > > > other primates. If there is one person, they typically go to the
> control
> > > > panel.
> > > >
> > > >  The next person to enter goes to the corner diagonally opposite. The
> > > > next person goes to the other rear corner. The corner opposite the
> > > > control panel, nearest the door, is filled last, because the door has
> a
> > > > mild repulsion field, not as strong as the repulsion field of another
> > > > person  but still significant.
> > > >
> > > >  Try this. If you find yourself alone in a lift, stand in the corner
> > > > opposite the control panel, at the front, facing the back. Not only
> does
> > > > it feel very strange, but when people enter the lift, they are
> > > > troubled.  They move diagonally opposite, but the distribution does
> not
> > > > adjust in  your direction as the lift fills. By standing anomalously,
> > > > you are strengthening your repulsion field.
> > > >
> > > >  On a recent trip a man in a business suit stood for several floors,
> > > > directly against the doors and facing them, with his fingers in the
> > > > crack between the doors as if trying to prise them apart. At his floor
> > > > he left in the normal way, and he gave no other evidence of
> abnormality,
> > > > but the relief on his departure was palpable. I palped it myself, and
> I
> > > > would have checked the other occupants but they had already had one
> > > > weird lift experience that day. "Phew! Did you palp that?"
> > > > Inappropriate. As is any general speech in a lift. Because there is no
> > > > escape, etiquette demands that we do not take advantage of the
> situation.
> > > >
> > > >  The lifts in this building are broader than they are deep, so when
> > > > twelve people enter the lift, they form three rows of four. When two
> > > > people leave the lift, there are only ten left, and the factors of ten
> > > > do not match the ratio of the lift dimensions, so the occupants form
> two
> > > > rows of three and one of four.
> > > >
> > > >  The general principles of repulsion are disrupted by personal
> > > > attraction of some kind, and this creates social tension, because
> > > > although we never discuss it, we all know the lift-filling algorithm
> in
> > > > our deep subconscious and it is effortful to recalculate. Similar
> > > > difficulties occur with
> > > >  enhanced repulsion - a person who runs at lunchtime and has not taken
> > > > their gear home to wash it for two months, for example. Or an
> anomalous
> > > > person.
> > > >
> > > >  A bicycle is particularly disruptive to our innate lift-filling
> > > > algorithm. Bicycles are, in general, anomalous objects. They are
> > > > impossible to pack, store, wrap, transport, conceal or disguise. A
> > > > person entering a lift with a bicycle is perhaps one of the boldest
> > > > possible threats to personal space
> > > >  and the established social order. The look of dismay on people's
> faces
> > > > is immediate. They then shuffle aimlessly, unable to process the
> complex
> > > > geometrical problem presented to them. Just as the cyclist must be
> > > > assertive in traffic, the cyclist entering a lift must take charge.
> > > > Point the bicycle firmly at the rear corner of choice, then move
> slowly
> > > > but with determination toward it, gently demonstrating the flexibility
> > > > afforded by the rotation of the front fork. The other lift occupants
> may
> > > > not have realised the the bike can be inserted more or less in a
> corner.
> > > >
> > > >  As the lift empties, demonstrate a restrained but lively willingness
> to
> > > > reposition the bike in whatever configuration is convenient to permit
> > > > people to depart. Watch them closely. When they fidget, it means their
> > > > stop is near. Do not make eye contact! Look at their feet, their
> > > > shoulder, the tails of their jacket. Do not apologise! You may thank
> > > > them, but only if they have done something overtly intended to
> > > > accommodate you. Otherwise they may fear that you are using the bike
> as
> > > > an excuse to hit on them.
> > > >
> > > >  A successful lift bike ride concludes with moving the bike smoothly
> out
> > > > of the lift, without snagging any ankles or other extremities. Check
> > > > your pulse and monitor your breathing during the journey. If the rate
> is
> > > > rising perceptibly, chant the calming mantra of your choice. Under
> your
> > > > breath.
> > > >
> > > > --
> > > > Neale Morison <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com>
> > > >
> > > > neale at nealemorison.com
> > > > http://www.nealemorison.com
> > > > 0417 661 427
> > > >
> > > >
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