[Writingworkshop] Lift Filling Anomalies for Nerds

Mon Sep 8 20:24:47 EDT 2008

Oh, I was just reading cycling-related articles and whatnot, and he was on
the comment threads ranting about how stupid bikes and their riders were.
It's like he sees them as an affront to civilization.

some other commenter recognized him, as in
"Is the Rob A at #5 the same Rob Anderson who..."

Nothing really good, unfortunately.

will we see you Wednesdays, Dan?

"We have now sunk to a depth where the restatement of the obvious is the
first duty of intelligent men."

On Mon, Sep 8, 2008 at 7:42 PM, Daniel Peters <danieltpeters at gmail.com>wrote:

> this actually made my day.  I've been biking everywhere these days and
> its been culture shock in the extreme.  It's like I joined the
> revolution just by shedding two tires and a combustion engine....."
> Look, look at him over there....he's one of THOSE" (obligatory finger
> wagging).  That article on Rob Anderson made me my blood boil Adam.  I
> never asked, you said you "ran into him" on the
> internet......please.....continue good sir, the story needs
> telling.......
>
> On 9/7/08, Adam Holland <adam.holland at gmail.com> wrote:
> > nice
> > I had  a bike in the lift experience this week.  I should have been
> > assertive, as you suggest
> > People kept cutting in front of me to get on the next elevator.
> >  "What makes us rich as a society is what we know and what we can do.
> > Anything that stands in the way of the dissemination of knowledge is a
> real
> > problem."
> >
> >
> > On Sun, Sep 7, 2008 at 9:40 PM, Neale Morison
> > <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com> wrote:
> >
> > > Lift Filling for Nerds
> > >
> > >  I love my job because the lifts work. The building dates from the 70s,
> > > a time when it was believed that the appearance of ferro-concrete could
> > > be improved by detailed attention to its texture, perhaps by embedding
> > > tiny pebbles in it. The other occupants are Energy Australia and the
> > > AEC, which at first I thought was the Atomic Energy Commission. On the
> > > first day I tried a pleasantry when manoeuvering my bike into the lift:
> > > "Make way for clean energy". Very blank looks. It turns out it's the
> > > Australian Electoral Commission.
> > >
> > > There are 7 lifts in this building, which has only 20 floors, maybe
> less
> > > than 2000 people altogether. The lifts go fast and they work. They
> claim
> > > they can take 23 people each. You could empty the building in twenty
> > > minutes. The only obvious logical error is that when they respond to
> > > your call but have come from the other direction to the one you're
> > > going, they know they have responded so the call button goes off, but
> > > they don't know they're supposed to wait for you to get in and then go
> > > back the other way. The doors close. You press the button again. The
> > > doors open. It's an easy workaround. They built beautiful lift hardware
> > > in the 70s, but their software was primitive. Schindler. Was the movie
> > > Schindler's List a pun on Schindler Lifts? Best lift scene: Die Hard 3,
> > > in the Federal Reserve Bank. Best lift ride: The Ski Jump lift in
> > > Innsbruck, Australia. This is one of the things I consider as I ride up
> > > and down, but mostly I take the opportunity to observe lift-filling
> > > algorithms in practice and to test my theories regarding lift-filling
> > > anomalies.
> > >
> > >  The basic principle, as we all know, is that personal space is at a
> > > premium in a lift ... is everybody with me? Obviously I mean elevators,
> > > not the things short people put in their shoes like Dustin Hoffman in
> > > Tootsie - "I can be shorter!" ... so people fill the lift progressively
> > > to  maximise personal space and minimise the appearance of threat to
> > > other primates. If there is one person, they typically go to the
> control
> > > panel.
> > >
> > >  The next person to enter goes to the corner diagonally opposite. The
> > > next person goes to the other rear corner. The corner opposite the
> > > control panel, nearest the door, is filled last, because the door has a
> > > mild repulsion field, not as strong as the repulsion field of another
> > > person  but still significant.
> > >
> > >  Try this. If you find yourself alone in a lift, stand in the corner
> > > opposite the control panel, at the front, facing the back. Not only
> does
> > > it feel very strange, but when people enter the lift, they are
> > > troubled.  They move diagonally opposite, but the distribution does not
> > > adjust in  your direction as the lift fills. By standing anomalously,
> > > you are strengthening your repulsion field.
> > >
> > >  On a recent trip a man in a business suit stood for several floors,
> > > directly against the doors and facing them, with his fingers in the
> > > crack between the doors as if trying to prise them apart. At his floor
> > > he left in the normal way, and he gave no other evidence of
> abnormality,
> > > but the relief on his departure was palpable. I palped it myself, and I
> > > would have checked the other occupants but they had already had one
> > > weird lift experience that day. "Phew! Did you palp that?"
> > > Inappropriate. As is any general speech in a lift. Because there is no
> > > escape, etiquette demands that we do not take advantage of the
> situation.
> > >
> > >  The lifts in this building are broader than they are deep, so when
> > > twelve people enter the lift, they form three rows of four. When two
> > > people leave the lift, there are only ten left, and the factors of ten
> > > do not match the ratio of the lift dimensions, so the occupants form
> two
> > > rows of three and one of four.
> > >
> > >  The general principles of repulsion are disrupted by personal
> > > attraction of some kind, and this creates social tension, because
> > > although we never discuss it, we all know the lift-filling algorithm in
> > > our deep subconscious and it is effortful to recalculate. Similar
> > > difficulties occur with
> > >  enhanced repulsion - a person who runs at lunchtime and has not taken
> > > their gear home to wash it for two months, for example. Or an anomalous
> > > person.
> > >
> > >  A bicycle is particularly disruptive to our innate lift-filling
> > > algorithm. Bicycles are, in general, anomalous objects. They are
> > > impossible to pack, store, wrap, transport, conceal or disguise. A
> > > person entering a lift with a bicycle is perhaps one of the boldest
> > > possible threats to personal space
> > >  and the established social order. The look of dismay on people's faces
> > > is immediate. They then shuffle aimlessly, unable to process the
> complex
> > > geometrical problem presented to them. Just as the cyclist must be
> > > assertive in traffic, the cyclist entering a lift must take charge.
> > > Point the bicycle firmly at the rear corner of choice, then move slowly
> > > but with determination toward it, gently demonstrating the flexibility
> > > afforded by the rotation of the front fork. The other lift occupants
> may
> > > not have realised the the bike can be inserted more or less in a
> corner.
> > >
> > >  As the lift empties, demonstrate a restrained but lively willingness
> to
> > > reposition the bike in whatever configuration is convenient to permit
> > > people to depart. Watch them closely. When they fidget, it means their
> > > stop is near. Do not make eye contact! Look at their feet, their
> > > shoulder, the tails of their jacket. Do not apologise! You may thank
> > > them, but only if they have done something overtly intended to
> > > accommodate you. Otherwise they may fear that you are using the bike as
> > > an excuse to hit on them.
> > >
> > >  A successful lift bike ride concludes with moving the bike smoothly
> out
> > > of the lift, without snagging any ankles or other extremities. Check
> > > your pulse and monitor your breathing during the journey. If the rate
> is
> > > rising perceptibly, chant the calming mantra of your choice. Under your
> > > breath.
> > >
> > > --
> > > Neale Morison <neale.morison at g2microsystems.com>
> > >
> > > neale at nealemorison.com
> > > http://www.nealemorison.com
> > > 0417 661 427
> > >
> > >
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> >
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