[Writingworkshop] Dishwashers for Nerds

Tue May 20 08:56:57 EDT 2008

That's for sure.
It's a stigma I've spent my life trying to mitigate and come to terms with.

On Tue, May 20, 2008 at 8:52 AM, Neale Morison <nmorison at mit.edu> wrote:

> What can I say. There is the faintest trace of nerd in your make-up.
> Adam Holland wrote:
> > Ha ha!
> >
> >
> > I have actually stripped down and cleaned our dishwasher's interior on
> > many occasions, when the screen surrounding the rotor becomes occluded.
> >
> > AH
> >
> >
> > On Mon, May 19, 2008 at 8:52 PM, Neale Morison <neale at nealemorison.com
> > <mailto:neale at nealemorison.com>> wrote:
> >
> >     Dishwashers for Nerds
> >
> >     Congratulations on purchasing or otherwise acquiring your first
> >     dishwasher! A dishwasher is a life-changing appliance, but can
> >     only take
> >     full effect if you develop a full understanding  of its proclivities,
> >     its potential, and its purpose.
> >
> >     First, be aware that just as an automatic car does not drive
> >     itself, and
> >     a computer seldom computes, a dishwasher does not actually wash
> >     dishes.
> >     Instead, a dishwasher facilitates a number of essential steps in the
> >     process of washing dishes. It is up to you to provide the
> >     intelligence,
> >     the passion, and the necessary menial labor to assist the
> >     dishwasher in
> >     guiding you to the completion of the dishwashing goal. A dishwasher
> >     combines a powerful dishwashing methodology, tidy storage, a noisy
> >     motor
> >     and flaky plumbing to create a focus for the dishwashing project.
> >
> >     Your role is to provide both input and output to the dishwasher
> >     processing unit. Just as a computer requires you to meet it
> >     considerably
> >     more than half-way, modifying your mode of communication, your very
> >     language, and even your intentions, in order to somehow arrive at
> some
> >     task the computer can actually do, so a dishwasher demands a change
> in
> >     your life-style. Be warned! You may never be able to return to the
> >     haphazard manual process of washing dishes in a sink. Recent studes
> >     indicate fundamental differences in neurophoysiology between
> long-term
> >     dishwasher owners and a control group of YAMPs (Your Average Mug
> >     Punters).
> >
> >     Input:
> >
> >     Dishes, cutlery and pots must be sparkling clean before they are
> >     stacked
> >     in the dishwasher. Failure to provide perfectly clean input can
> result
> >     in the creation of a residue whose chemical composition is only dimly
> >     understood. Harder than diamond, more resilient than carbon fibre,
> the
> >     substance is being investigated in conditions of close military
> >     secrecy
> >     and may provide the basis of a complete defense system.
> >
> >     Items must be stacked so as to allow the rotors to move freely. This
> >     sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers generate a zone of quantum
> >     uncertainty
> >     which on the macro level manifests as a suspension of the commonly
> >     received constraints of three dimensional space. While a trained
> >     dishwasher stacker can insert the entire contents of the kitchen and
> >     several other utility rooms into a dishwasher, the novice can fit
> >     in one
> >     fork, a cup, and a cereal bowl.
> >
> >     Output:
> >
> >     This involves removing items from the dishwasher and putting them
> >     away.
> >     This sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers modify neural circuitry to
> >     create
> >     a syndrome described as dishwasher denial. It is never anybody's
> >     job to
> >     remove items from the dishwasher and put them away. Furthermore, the
> >     logistics of opening the dishwasher door, and moving items from the
> >     drawers to the cupboards, is an unknown number of orders of magnitude
> >     more challenging than the travelling salesman problem. Apparently
> Alan
> >     Turing was working on a great unifying proof, which showed
> >     incontrovertibly why it was not possible to unload a dishwasher,
> >     when he
> >     was found poisoned in his apartment. Suicide? Perhaps.
> >
> >     Maintenance:
> >
> >     Dishwashers operate in conditions of extreme stress. The San Andreas
> >     Fault is relaxed in comparison. It is worth noting that we can land a
> >     man on the moon but we cannot construct a working dishwasher.
> >     Naturally
> >     under such punishment a dishwasher may suffer occasional dimunition
> in
> >     performance. Gaskets burst, bearings seize, electrical parts corrode,
> >     and the goddam little plastic thingy that holds the door shut will
> >     snap
> >     and fall down inside. This is to be expected.
> >
> >     Do not attempt repairs yourself. Miracle substances such as duct tape
> >     and superglue are no match for a dishwasher. Always consult a trained
> >     dishwasher serviceperson when your dishwasher breaks down. Yes, they
> >     charge more than your neurosurgeon, but the benefits they provide are
> >     more tangible.
> >
> >
> >     Congratulations again! Please register your purchase. This will
> enable
> >     us to accumulate statistics which may result in future killer
> >     appliances.
> >
> >
> >     --
> >     Neale Morison
> >     neale at nealemorison.com <mailto:neale at nealemorison.com>
> >     http://www.nealemorison.com
> >     31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
> >     +1 617 460 9969
> >     nmorison at mit.edu <mailto:nmorison at mit.edu>
> >
> >
> >     _______________________________________________
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> >
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > "If I advance, follow me! If I retreat, kill me! If I die, avenge me!"
> > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
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> >
>
>
> --
> Neale Morison
> neale at nealemorison.com
> http://www.nealemorison.com
> 31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
> +1 617 460 9969
> nmorison at mit.edu
>
>
> _______________________________________________
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>

-- 
"If I advance, follow me! If I retreat, kill me! If I die, avenge me!"
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