[Writingworkshop] Dishwashers for Nerds

[Neale Morison]

Dishwashers for Nerds

Congratulations on purchasing or otherwise acquiring your first 
dishwasher! A dishwasher is a life-changing appliance, but can only take 
full effect if you develop a full understanding  of its proclivities, 
its potential, and its purpose.

First, be aware that just as an automatic car does not drive itself, and 
a computer seldom computes, a dishwasher does not actually wash dishes. 
Instead, a dishwasher facilitates a number of essential steps in the 
process of washing dishes. It is up to you to provide the intelligence, 
the passion, and the necessary menial labor to assist the dishwasher in 
guiding you to the completion of the dishwashing goal. A dishwasher 
combines a powerful dishwashing methodology, tidy storage, a noisy motor 
and flaky plumbing to create a focus for the dishwashing project.

Your role is to provide both input and output to the dishwasher 
processing unit. Just as a computer requires you to meet it considerably 
more than half-way, modifying your mode of communication, your very 
language, and even your intentions, in order to somehow arrive at some 
task the computer can actually do, so a dishwasher demands a change in 
your life-style. Be warned! You may never be able to return to the 
haphazard manual process of washing dishes in a sink. Recent studes 
indicate fundamental differences in neurophoysiology between long-term 
dishwasher owners and a control group of YAMPs (Your Average Mug Punters).

Input:

Dishes, cutlery and pots must be sparkling clean before they are stacked 
in the dishwasher. Failure to provide perfectly clean input can result 
in the creation of a residue whose chemical composition is only dimly 
understood. Harder than diamond, more resilient than carbon fibre, the 
substance is being investigated in conditions of close military secrecy 
and may provide the basis of a complete defense system.

Items must be stacked so as to allow the rotors to move freely. This 
sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers generate a zone of quantum uncertainty 
which on the macro level manifests as a suspension of the commonly 
received constraints of three dimensional space. While a trained 
dishwasher stacker can insert the entire contents of the kitchen and 
several other utility rooms into a dishwasher, the novice can fit in one 
fork, a cup, and a cereal bowl.

Output:

This involves removing items from the dishwasher and putting them away. 
This sounds easy. In fact, dishwashers modify neural circuitry to create 
a syndrome described as dishwasher denial. It is never anybody's job to 
remove items from the dishwasher and put them away. Furthermore, the 
logistics of opening the dishwasher door, and moving items from the 
drawers to the cupboards, is an unknown number of orders of magnitude 
more challenging than the travelling salesman problem. Apparently Alan 
Turing was working on a great unifying proof, which showed 
incontrovertibly why it was not possible to unload a dishwasher, when he 
was found poisoned in his apartment. Suicide? Perhaps.

Maintenance:

Dishwashers operate in conditions of extreme stress. The San Andreas 
Fault is relaxed in comparison. It is worth noting that we can land a 
man on the moon but we cannot construct a working dishwasher. Naturally 
under such punishment a dishwasher may suffer occasional dimunition in 
performance. Gaskets burst, bearings seize, electrical parts corrode, 
and the goddam little plastic thingy that holds the door shut will snap 
and fall down inside. This is to be expected.

Do not attempt repairs yourself. Miracle substances such as duct tape 
and superglue are no match for a dishwasher. Always consult a trained 
dishwasher serviceperson when your dishwasher breaks down. Yes, they 
charge more than your neurosurgeon, but the benefits they provide are 
more tangible.


Congratulations again! Please register your purchase. This will enable 
us to accumulate statistics which may result in future killer appliances.


-- 
Neale Morison
neale at nealemorison.com
http://www.nealemorison.com
31 Maple Ave #2, Cambridge MA 02139
+1 617 460 9969
nmorison at mit.edu