[Writingworkshop] Stories

Sat Mar 1 21:53:17 EST 2008

Chris,
 I understand that you may not want to make any revisions other than minor
ones at this point, and you have to go with your gut.
Politely put.

I promise to read the stories by tomorrow night.

AH

On Sat, Mar 1, 2008 at 11:31 AM, Christopher Robichaud <cjrobi at mit.edu>
wrote:

> Sam, thanks for your extremely thoughtful and detailed comments on both my
> stories. You really spoil me. Some of your suggestions I've taken on
> board.
> Others I haven't, particularly some of the structural ones. I have lots to
> say on this, not just about my story, but about what I take makes for a
> good
> story in general, structurally speaking. I think this would be a good
> discussion for all of us to delve into. Alas, I'll not be able to put all
> my
> thoughts down at the moment. I've been spending too many hours with my
> nose
> in my laptop writing and rewriting, and am in desperate need of a break
> for
> a few days!
>
> Thanks again. I really appreciate it!
>
> -Chris
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: writingworkshop-bounces at nealemorison.org
> [mailto:writingworkshop-bounces at nealemorison.org] On Behalf Of Samantha
> Weiss
> Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2008 12:54 AM
> To: Neale's Writing Workshop
> Subject: Re: [Writingworkshop] Stories
>
> Dear Chris,
>
>
>
> This is a far better story.  The scene that you added with Neb at the
> Redemption house is by far the most compelling.  We see him striving to
> achieve his goal, and that is the moment when we know what he is really
> about and that we care about him.  Your writing is imaginative and you
> demonstrate skill with your distinct choice of voice.  Moments that
> stand out to me as being particularly poignant:  when Neb won't look his
> wife in the eye, the scene when Michi tells Neb that he didn't come back
> whole, and the "laughing, my crucified one."  The three suggestions
> marked by *** are the ones you can change in a few hours.  The others
> are more structural and may take more time.  (For an Odyssey ap, you
> should strongly consider structural changes, because these are the
> things I know Jeanne looks for.)  I have a rather radical suggestion for
> the ending (below).
>
>
>
> ***I still think you must tell us what "putting down" is, immediately.
> If we don't know, then other stuff, like "crisp it," is confusing
> instead of compelling.  The reader should ask:  "What will the main
> character do next?" but _never_, _ever_, "what is going on?" which is
> what I kept asking.  On the other hand, it works that you hide from us
> that the character's fever is laughter, because _we are embedded in his
> POV and because he himself doesn't know_.  And also, because you give us
> good clues.
>
>
>
> ***I know that he comes back from the Crusades hurt, but that he has
> "the fever" is enough.  We don't want him demented as well; it's too
> much.  So "What's the one I did last time, Michi?" should maybe be
> "Where is[.]?" instead.  The comment about the funny bone makes Neb
> sound dumb as well; perhaps he makes that joke knowing fully well that
> it isn't really a bone, so that we see that he has some mastery of
> humor.  The part about "Bob seems to think I'm going to be a great
> comedian [.] what he calls cartoons," isn't working for me.  Instead, I
> want to see him working on his cartoons, pleased that Bob and others
> appreciate them, to see him refining his talent.
>
>
>
> ***You can (and I think, should) cut the science fiction ("he says a
> bunch of schooling [.] doesn't know where we're at") completely.  It is
> enough that we understand the rules of the universe; the exposition here
> feels out of place and wrong.
>
>
>
> STRUCTURAL WORK:
>
>
>
> I have a lot of the same issues I had before, especially with passivity
> and plot shape.  A story is about a character pursuing a goal.  That is
> literally the definition of a story, and so if we don't see Neb
> struggling to achieve his goal, then it isn't a story.  Luckily, Neb has
> a strong goal-that of getting better.  But I want to see him strive for
> it, not once, but three times, before the resolution.  The three act
> structure is one of the principals of story writing.  It is a principal,
> not a rule, but I see no justification for this particular story to
> break that rule.   That being said:
>
>
>
> Inciting incident:   If your opening scene is Neb getting sick, then I
> still say:
>
>
>
> 1) H_e has to be the one to seek out his wife, who seeks out Ansa_.
> This is his "*first attempt*" to fix himself in a three act structure.
> Then I see two possibilities.  1)  Ansa refuses to help him anymore (as
> you had before) or 2) He notices for the first time that Ansa and his
> wife are a little too friendly (as you suggested before).  Both of these
> are reasons why he would never be able to "dip" again, which he used to
> do all the time.  Then we have justification for:
>
>
>
> 2)  Neb's trip to the Redemption house, which is *his second attempt*.
> Otherwise, there is no more reason for him to make the trip to
> Redemption House now than any other time.  You must have sufficient
> cause for him to go, a causal chain, in other words.  Otherwise we are
> left with the question, /why now?/  _He needs to seek out this specific
> guy who he knows will be near or perhaps even in the house_, the guy who
> he has perhaps heard laughing before.  If he doesn't, you've undermine
> the "active character" that you've set up.  He's become passive again
> (and Bob Hope is the active character), and the attempt 2 is
> meaningless.  I'm thinking that maybe this guy says to him that the
> laughter doesn't go away, that he should join them, that there's a place
> for people to be accepted who are just like him.etc., at which point Neb
> gets freaked out and leaves.  It makes no sense for the other guy to
> have gone looking after him.  It's an author manipulation.
>
>
>
> 3)  Working hard is his* 3^rd attempt*.  I want to see him seriously
> considering going back to that guy for help.  _I want to see him burn
> some of those drawings himself_ instead of just talking about it.  Maybe
> he can't find them all.
>
>
>
> Resolution:  So he starts laughing in church.  To make this stronger,
> I'm going to suggest something radical.  We know that his wife is
> unhappy with him, crying, etc., and that she's involved in an affair.
> Perhaps she purposefully triggers the fever somehow, because she's ready
> to end her own guilt and give herself justification for remaining Ansa's
> lover.  Perhaps she's already turned in some of his drawings.  Maybe she
> betrays him. You've set us up for that, and it might make the most sense.
>
>
>
> And we see the ending, when he ends up with the comedians.
>
>
>
>
>
> Other comments:
>
> You have a lot of exposition in this story, and I think you would be
> better off with more vivid realized scenes, as I've seen you do and know
> you can do well.
>
>
>
> All the best,
>
> Samantha
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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