[Writingworkshop] Stories

[Antony Nigel Donovan]

So, I'll start with the agreements this time.

The opening is very strong.

That Erica knows McGrath must be foreshadowed, or it seems like a cheat.
I think I mentioned it the first time I read this story: Erica needs to
be trying to get to that party.  How you accomplish that, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure why three is so important to Samantha, but I must disagree
again.  A short story is not, nor should it be, a screen play.  Except
for Erica knowing the Dean, I never had a moment were I didn't want to
keep reading.

Also, this is a genre story.  Dean McGrath is a monster, figuratively
speaking, from the first page.  On page nine, we're told this is a
horror story, even if we don't realize it.  What follows makes sense
(except that Erica knows McGrath).

I'm really glad you're thinking of submitting this for publication.  I
know you had some concerns about identities.  On that note, R___ is
fine, but maybe Hogwart's should go (I can't think of a fictional
graduate school of Alchemy, but that would be a better reference here).






On Sat, 2008-03-01 at 02:00 -0500, Samantha Weiss wrote:
> Chris,
> 
> Pages 1 through 9 of your second story have me locked in.  It is 
> marvelous, professional level writing, and the voice make it a joy to 
> read.  The situation with the e-mail and the n=1 walks that line between 
> being believable and absolutely fucking hilarious over the top, and I'm 
> just loving it.  I love that your character has this clear goal, and 
> then he goes and spends $2000 (first attempt) on the most amazing attire 
> and an escort besides.  The dress and the geometry comments were 
> particularly wonderful. 
> 
> When I start to sense malevolence, the storytelling tone changes.  Then 
> all of this stuff happens in rapid succession for no reason that I can 
> tell.  It happens that he had called upon a werewolf to bring to the 
> ball... unforgivable author manipulation in a world where we assume that 
> most people are just people.  I wish there were some reason that he had 
> to have contacted a monster, though I can't think of one offhand.  It 
> happens that he sees McGrath at the same time as Erica starts to 
> change.  It happens that everyone knows who she is  (this I think, must 
> be cut from the story).  It happens that McGrath and Erica are not only 
> involved but that she hates him so much that she's willing to try to 
> kill him.  (This would only make sense if we see, in the phone 
> conversation, your narrator explicitly tell her that he is using her for 
> a tool of revenge against McGrath, and that that should be the focus of 
> her evening.  If you go that route, then McGrath and Erica can't know 
> each other before hand).  It happens that your narrrator is apparently 
> the ONLY non-monster in a school where even the graduate students are 
> monsters (if they aren't, then there is no way other faculty will turn 
> into mosnters around him), but there isn't anything aprticular special 
> about him to make that be the case.  You also slip into inappropriate 
> exposition (Even MIranda treated us with a coolness quite unlike her, 
> for example) instead of realized scenes (as when Erica and your narrator 
> interact)--which is fine for unimportant scenes only.  That that moment 
> that Miranda pushes him aside is a really important moment, though and 
> we should see it.  (And other important scenes).  I would like to see a 
> bit of the small talk between Erica and your narrator. 
> 
> So I have two thoughts.  1)  My issue with structure is that the 
> narrator has one attempt:  when he gets the prostitute and the nice 
> tux.  Then everything else plays out around him like a movie 
> sequence--he takes no part in it--and we see a resolution.  This is not 
> good.  We need three attempts.  So if this were a nongenre story, for 
> example,  (I am completely making this up, just trying to explain plot 
> structure--this isn't even a suggestion) Miranda and McGrath know each 
> other, clearly have had a thing for eachother, and your narrator is like 
> WHAT THE FUCK I paid 2000 for this to not work, and then he kisses her 
> or something (2nd attempt) to piss McGrath off...  See where I'm going 
> with that?  There's a second attempt, brought about by a strong causal 
> chain. 
> 
> 2)  I really think this is a non-genre story.  The genre element doesn't 
> come in until the last line of page 12, in a story that only has five 
> pages left.  That is way, way, way too late.  The genre elements either 
> need to be there from beginning to end, or be hinted at much, much, much 
> more strongly than just the comment about the period.  I also think you 
> have two different stories.  A story about a man who brings a prostitute 
> to a school ball, and a story about a monster ball. 
> 
> Okay.  Attaching the manuscript so you can see my thoughts throughout. 
> 
> -Samantha
> _______________________________________________
> Writingworkshop mailing list
> Writingworkshop at nealemorison.org
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org