[Writingworkshop] Stories

[Antony Nigel Donovan]

I have to disagree on a couple of points.

It doesn't matter if I'm asking, "what's going on?" as long as I keep
reading.  Which I did.

I have to say that a three act structure is an invention of hollywood
producers.  They needed it because they can't think about the individual
merits of a story.  They have to cram everything into a predetermined
formula. Trying to hammer a short story into a three act structure isn't
sensible.  Few short stories ever exceed one act.  Nor should they.

Also, a story doesn't have to be about a character pursuing a goal.
Some stories are explicitly about a character not pursuing any goal (or
no goal beyond the mundane).  Sometimes life just happens to us and
sometimes that makes a very interesting story.

I think the rest of Samantha's comments are of the kind that you should
make the change if you think they'll improve the story.



The only real quibble I have with this story is that the ending is too
long.  After Neb comes off the cross, I think you need to wrap it up
more quickly.  But this is really just a quibble.


On Sat, 2008-03-01 at 00:54 -0500, Samantha Weiss wrote:
> Dear Chris,
> 
>  
> 
> This is a far better story.  The scene that you added with Neb at the 
> Redemption house is by far the most compelling.  We see him striving to 
> achieve his goal, and that is the moment when we know what he is really 
> about and that we care about him.  Your writing is imaginative and you 
> demonstrate skill with your distinct choice of voice.  Moments that 
> stand out to me as being particularly poignant:  when Neb won’t look his 
> wife in the eye, the scene when Michi tells Neb that he didn’t come back 
> whole, and the “laughing, my crucified one.”  The three suggestions 
> marked by *** are the ones you can change in a few hours.  The others 
> are more structural and may take more time.  (For an Odyssey ap, you 
> should strongly consider structural changes, because these are the 
> things I know Jeanne looks for.)  I have a rather radical suggestion for 
> the ending (below).   
> 
>  
> 
> ***I still think you must tell us what “putting down” is, immediately.  
> If we don’t know, then other stuff, like “crisp it,” is confusing 
> instead of compelling.  The reader should ask:  “What will the main 
> character do next?” but _never_, _ever_, “what is going on?” which is 
> what I kept asking.  On the other hand, it works that you hide from us 
> that the character’s fever is laughter, because _we are embedded in his 
> POV and because he himself doesn’t know_.  And also, because you give us 
> good clues.
> 
>  
> 
> ***I know that he comes back from the Crusades hurt, but that he has 
> "the fever" is enough.  We don’t want him demented as well; it’s too 
> much.  So “What’s the one I did last time, Michi?” should maybe be 
> “Where is[…]?” instead.  The comment about the funny bone makes Neb 
> sound dumb as well; perhaps he makes that joke knowing fully well that 
> it isn’t really a bone, so that we see that he has some mastery of 
> humor.  The part about “Bob seems to think I’m going to be a great 
> comedian […] what he calls cartoons,” isn’t working for me.  Instead, I 
> want to see him working on his cartoons, pleased that Bob and others 
> appreciate them, to see him refining his talent. 
> 
>  
> 
> ***You can (and I think, should) cut the science fiction (“he says a 
> bunch of schooling […] doesn’t know where we’re at”) completely.  It is 
> enough that we understand the rules of the universe; the exposition here 
> feels out of place and wrong. 
> 
>  
> 
> STRUCTURAL WORK:
> 
>  
> 
> I have a lot of the same issues I had before, especially with passivity 
> and plot shape.  A story is about a character pursuing a goal.  That is 
> literally the definition of a story, and so if we don’t see Neb 
> struggling to achieve his goal, then it isn’t a story.  Luckily, Neb has 
> a strong goal—that of getting better.  But I want to see him strive for 
> it, not once, but three times, before the resolution.  The three act 
> structure is one of the principals of story writing.  It is a principal, 
> not a rule, but I see no justification for this particular story to 
> break that rule.   That being said: 
> 
>  
> 
> Inciting incident:   If your opening scene is Neb getting sick, then I 
> still say:
> 
>  
> 
> 1) H_e has to be the one to seek out his wife, who seeks out Ansa_.  
> This is his “*first attempt*” to fix himself in a three act structure.   
> Then I see two possibilities.  1)  Ansa refuses to help him anymore (as 
> you had before) or 2) He notices for the first time that Ansa and his 
> wife are a little too friendly (as you suggested before).  Both of these 
> are reasons why he would never be able to “dip” again, which he used to 
> do all the time.  Then we have justification for:
> 
>  
> 
> 2)  Neb’s trip to the Redemption house, which is *his second attempt*. 
> Otherwise, there is no more reason for him to make the trip to 
> Redemption House now than any other time.  You must have sufficient 
> cause for him to go, a causal chain, in other words.  Otherwise we are 
> left with the question, /why now?/  _He needs to seek out this specific 
> guy who he knows will be near or perhaps even in the house_, the guy who 
> he has perhaps heard laughing before.  If he doesn’t, you’ve undermine 
> the “active character” that you’ve set up.  He’s become passive again 
> (and Bob Hope is the active character), and the attempt 2 is 
> meaningless.  I’m thinking that maybe this guy says to him that the 
> laughter doesn’t go away, that he should join them, that there’s a place 
> for people to be accepted who are just like him…etc., at which point Neb 
> gets freaked out and leaves.  It makes no sense for the other guy to 
> have gone looking after him.  It’s an author manipulation. 
> 
>  
> 
> 3)  Working hard is his* 3^rd attempt*.  I want to see him seriously 
> considering going back to that guy for help.  _I want to see him burn 
> some of those drawings himself_ instead of just talking about it.  Maybe 
> he can’t find them all. 
> 
>  
> 
> Resolution:  So he starts laughing in church.  To make this stronger, 
> I’m going to suggest something radical.  We know that his wife is 
> unhappy with him, crying, etc., and that she’s involved in an affair.  
> Perhaps she purposefully triggers the fever somehow, because she’s ready 
> to end her own guilt and give herself justification for remaining Ansa’s 
> lover.  Perhaps she’s already turned in some of his drawings.  Maybe she 
> betrays him… You’ve set us up for that, and it might make the most sense…
> 
>  
> 
> And we see the ending, when he ends up with the comedians.
> 
>  
> 
> 
> 
> Other comments: 
> 
> You have a lot of exposition in this story, and I think you would be 
> better off with more vivid realized scenes, as I’ve seen you do and know 
> you can do well. 
> 
>  
> 
> All the best,
> 
> Samantha
> 
>  
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _______________________________________________
> Writingworkshop mailing list
> Writingworkshop at nealemorison.org
> http://nealemorison.org/mailman/listinfo/writingworkshop_nealemorison.org